An Addict's Journal

sunshine...

2007-03-06T22:25:22+01:00

The juggernaut rolls on... now the fourth day of the third attempt. In between bouts of depression and rare moments of clarity, I continue this perhaps pointless journey. On the bright side, comparatively, trying to hit on a girl at work. if there's anything in the world more confusing and unpredictable than one's own mind, its got to be the opposite sex. Now im pretty sure im not going anywhere with this particular girl other than flirting. Shes definitely my type, oh so my type , the kind i probably would have 'serious' intentions for, but for good or bad she doesnt seem that interested in carrying it to the next level. But then in moments of futility like these, i just console myself saying that im all for living in the present moment...enjoying every second...

secret shame: im addicted to sunshine...

'Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way'

John Denver.

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The dream run continues...

2007-02-24T22:25:35+01:00

First of all I have some interesting ads, courtesy google right above this text featuring such gems as habit(understandable), girls bra(?!) breaking the habit(fair enough), girls underwear(!!) . I dont know to what marvel in internet technology i owe this to. Did around 80kms of cycling and boy im stone dead tired now. still squeaky clean !!

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a firefly flashing in the dark...

2007-02-19T17:53:31+01:00

On Saturday went walking along the Thames path near Mortlake for a good 15 km. The weather was good and it was a nice walk. There were lots of cyclists and runners using the path which followed the Thames almost all the way. And ofcourse the usual rowers , those beautiful men and women who row whatever the weather.

My friend was on the phone a fair bit midway through the walk, and just about the same time I spotted une belle femme going into a cafe. So I followed suite and was bowled over by the decor and the delicious smell of hot chocolate inside. We ended up ordering the chocolate with some pasty and soon had our feet up and enjoying the river breeze.

The beautiful woman, was working in the cafe, and so I got to see a lot of her and even stole a smile from her. But just couldnt get the courage to get up and go speak to her.After about an hour of pretending to listen to my friend and enjoy the scenery, I decided it was time to leave. We got up and lo and behold the damsel was by our side, to clear our table
.
I had to say something so I said ' thank you very much !'
...duh... ok deep breath... go for the kill buddy...
'that's beautiful earrings u got there' ..they were really beautiful
but she didnt understand, she looked confused.
so i used sign language and viola, that gorgeous smile again.
It will be one of life's eternal mysteries why i didnt proceed and ask her name and number.
i just left it at that , taking with me just her smile.

Enough for me that you are beautiful
Beauty posessed diminishes

Better a dream of love
Than love's dream broken

Better a look exchanged
Than love's word spoken

enough for me that you walk past
A firefly flashing in the dark

-Ruskin Bond.

Clean day no: 6

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sweet 16

2007-02-15T18:29:26+01:00

What a great match it was... lately when ever Arsenal is playing it's nerve wracking excitement and ofcourse plenty of fast paced football as well. A very good way to spend V day huddled together with friends infront of the telly. With every new day the cycle is emitting new sounds, and looks about ready to be dumped in the scrapyard. But fear not my trusted friend, i will not desert you so fast

Theres this newly blossomed 16 year old girl who dresses and wears make up like shes 25. For some strange reason shes hitting on moi. It doesn't help that shes got the curves in the right places and has smouldeing black eyes.Next time i bump into her will give her some brotherly advice, on how to seduce a man subtly

the best news: a clean day yesterday and as of typing today as well

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Deeper...

2007-02-13T19:42:00+01:00

It gets harder and harder to write here because l'ADDICTIONE is going on full steam ahead with no end in sight. Probably what i subconsciously wanted to do when i started the blog was to say that every day was a clean day. It has not happened im afraid. One thing ive resolved to continue doing is to be absolutely honest about this, though it makes me cringe inwardly. If you're depressed and dont feel like reading more , pop over to
potmonkey who seems to be doing a much better job in kicking her habit.

I just cant believe how im letting this habit walk all over me. A great philosopher once said you dont mature till youre 40, but ill be lucky if i mature at 60 the way things are going. The crazy thing is that all my friends/colleagues think Im perfectly happy. They dont know the torment im in... no rest for the wicked...What it all boils down to is how bad you want the habit out of your life. If you really want to kick it, and feel very strongly about it, it really shouldn't be a problem, should it ?

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Repeat Offender...

2007-02-10T23:34:26+01:00

It was beautiful to see all that snow coming down after a long time ... didnt sooth my nerves though. I have gone back to the old ways... getting high once every alternate day. The strange thing ? I dont feel a tiny morsel of guilt. Is that good or bad ? Trying to think not too much about it right now. Maybe I should just leave it at that... who has not got an addiction after all? Cigar, coffee, alcohol, cocaine, sex, ... For me its inimately related to my loneliness, with the devil inside. The devil is me though , im running from myself. Damn that sounds sensible but i cant do anything to stop it. Crashed in a friend's place yesterday just to get away from the stuff. In my moments of sanity I think Im in control and that theres nothing to worry. But then...

Saw Jerry Maguire after a looong time and for some reason just fell in love with the song 'secret garden' sung by 'the boss'.

'She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice'

well if that doesnt explain a woman ..

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ice ice baby...

2007-02-06T22:29:11+01:00

Damn, my eating habits have gone haywire . This usually happens in the winter , probably more so coz im trying to kick a habit. I can feel the body just going down in the dumps because the usual highs are just not coming. Its just like a kick in your guts when you least expect it. Ouch !! Though still clean i can feel the tension and the pressure building up. Things seem a bit crazy now... think im gonna give a fair share of the blame to the cold weather... would love to see the snow though. its one of the most awe inspiring moments when you wake up in the morning draw back the curtains and see this white silvery powder covering everthing. My only complaint is that im a frozen ice block when i cycle to work . Just cant seem to keep the cold from seeping into my glove clad fingers and up into my whole body...brrr...

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7 days and still standing.. just about.

2007-02-03T02:24:14+01:00

Just back from the screening of Blood Diamond at Leicester Square. Not bad at all and fully deserved the spontaneous applause it got at the end. Walking out to the drunken mayhem made it all surreal, hard to imagine there's another world out there. The 'problems' we have all suddenly seemed very infantile.

Almost a week into the clean phase now. Ateast on two occasions after my last post I had the stuff almost at my fingertips. All I had to do was reach out and it would have been mine. I don't have a clue what prevented me from going for it. Mentally feel like crap most of the time, and im just grinning and bearing it. I just don't want to go back to the euphoria nights again. The body must be missing all the adrenalin rush and probably why Im indulging in extremely flirtatious behaviour with the opposite sex. Let's see how the weekend goes...

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Private & Confidential...

2007-01-29T22:21:39+01:00

I had been planning to quit work and take it easy for quite sometime now. Nobody knows about this , so I was pretty surprised when the receptionist handed me a 'private and confidential' letter from the company boss. Damn the sly bugger had seen through me and I was getting the sack. Tore open the letter with a devil may care attitude and viola ive got a pay rise ! I still dont think it will make a difference to my earlier decision.

I like to do wild crazy or pointless things on a quite regular basis. My mission for today was to find a WHS Smith store in Oxford Street. I did a thorough check with the trusty rusty cycle at my disposal. Lesson: no smith shops in Oxford Circus. Today went on an eating binge... anything to get the endorphins up. Feel bloated and tired. Once again today seriously thought of reoffending, but somehow managed to push my thoughts to less turbulent waters. Well done old man, keep hanging in there

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The Zen way...

2007-01-28T22:31:15+01:00

Watched the regal Federer in the Open down under. I remember him saying in an interview that he just focuses on the point at hand never bothering about the score , crowd or anything else interfere between him and the game. The focus on the present moment, a Zen like quality which almost makes him a Buddhist monk.

Its the same with addiction, for me. The whole day , like today for example, is so serene . Going to Sainsbury's in the morning, chatting up the girl at the counter , walking out into the glorious sunshine and hey i feel almost human, normal. But then just 10 minutes back I found myself going down the dark alleyway and checked myself, just stopped midway. I dont think I have done that before. Every second , especially when im alone i have to be watching myself , to be in the moment.

I dont think writing a blog will really cure me. There's no cure, once an addict , always an addict. But I hope to find out what exactly causes me to reoffend. What goes on in my mind... the evening was spent watching a couple of episodes of the frst series of 'That 70s show' with friends. Its back to work tomorrow.

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the first day

2007-01-28T00:48:47+01:00

Yestreday had to stuggle for an hour before i could blog. The goddamn site kept refusing to post my entries. The font colour looks awful, tried changing it a million times and failed. Today is my first day clean and God its awful at times. Went for 'the icons of london' by Greg London. Not bad for a guy who does impressions of singers. Got stood up by the girl I was supposed to see it with. Man this year sucks.

Trying to go clean for 2 weeks pretty ambitious.... the maximum ive stayed clean so far is 5 weeks. So it is pretty ambitious. Ha for the man with nothing to lose...but for now for today i am CLEAN.

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GAWD AWFUL SITE ....

2007-01-27T03:04:04+01:00

I am an addict. After my latest high and the rock bottom low afterwards ive decided to come clean. Foolhardy maybe but i have decided to undertake the journey alone. ill post here as often as possible starting maybe on a daily basis. Its unchartered territory for me and I expect myself to slip up along the way... Honesty is the key i think. so here i am in the midnight hour starting on a journey with no end in sight.

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