It was beautiful to see all that snow coming down after a long time ... didnt sooth my nerves though. I have gone back to the old ways... getting high once every alternate day. The strange thing ? I dont feel a tiny morsel of guilt. Is that good or bad ? Trying to think not too much about it right now. Maybe I should just leave it at that... who has not got an addiction after all? Cigar, coffee, alcohol, cocaine, sex, ... For me its inimately related to my loneliness, with the devil inside. The devil is me though , im running from myself. Damn that sounds sensible but i cant do anything to stop it. Crashed in a friend's place yesterday just to get away from the stuff. In my moments of sanity I think Im in control and that theres nothing to worry. But then...
Saw Jerry Maguire after a looong time and for some reason just fell in love with the song 'secret garden' sung by 'the boss'.
'She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice'
well if that doesnt explain a woman .. 
Sorry to hear you've slipped from the wagon.
I can empathise with you to some extent, I messed up and went to a massage parlor once, it was a mess, thankfully nothing happened, but it was not a good moment in my life.
At the moment I have a niggle all the time about sex, I know I can get sex easily if I wanted, the wrong kind that you have to pay for, but I have to ignore the niggle, which sometimes becomes a rageing shout, and carry on with life.
I feed my obsession with a lesser one (self pleasure).
Lonliness and feeling isolated are my problem.
I am trying to resolve the underlying problem instead of hiding behind a quick fix.
Best wishes.